Honesty

There has been some stomping recently. I don't mean that expected twelve year old sort of emotional stomping nor the occasional throw down fits of the first grader - I mean STOMPING. Adults who, not getting their own way about something, pull out the big guns and start blasting away.

Now being adults they have none of the unsubtleties of laying on the floor or (usually even) screaming at me - being adults they hide behind a smooth veneer and blast away with emotion and "behind-my-back" venom. The worst of it is I can usually sense it is happening but can do nothing about it until it surfaces - and it does not usually surface until it has festered awhile in some ears and made the rounds and been believed and expanded and then, then it will come running up to me like a big beast and drape itself on me crying,
"See, look, this is what you have done."

Hmmmm.....me.....really?

The problem is that it hits so hard and has enough truth that it leaves me a little breathless. The process of unpacking - of remembering - of repenting and restoring is so hard when things are squashed up and hurled in such an abusive and unkind manner. And it hurts - it hurts because my whole life is trying to be about not hurting and then suddenly I have obviously thrown someone so off balance that they are spinning around in pain and stabbing me as they go.

I suspect some of this is familiar - even if for most there is not the added complication of having to stand up and celebrate the sacraments and preach the Gospel on Sunday.

The answer is not one which many will ever embrace because it involves a level of honesty which many never achieve. People who never lie may not be honest. This is not is judgment but simply an observation - honesty is beyond just sticking to the script of things which fall under the accepted mantle of truth - honesty is about going deep inside ourselves.

Perhaps that is why some people do not like me - because outside is not enough for me. I cannot stand a nice outside to be covering a sick inside and I can often see which is which. But if you pay attention - you probably can too - most people do not pay attention because it is much easier to see the hat that the head which it is on.

Honesty is about asking God, really asking God, to open us up and fill us and let us understand who we are. I am privilege to be able to stand with my hands extended before the altar - both as an offering of myself and as a representative of the body of Christ (I do not know which comes first - they seem bound). But my prayer before celebrating is always the same - use me. For me to allow that prayer to be answered I must have at least some comprehension of who that me is - perhaps not for the extraordinary but for ordinary life - for the every day for God to use us we have to know who that us is. That is honesty.