scars

I read about Jesus telling Peter he would betray him this morning. My gut always turns over when I read this - because I know what happens. Despite Peter's best efforts and all his promises he says,
"I do not know him." He is devastated by his own weakness.

I have written about Peter before, but I know that the fact that this passage always makes me feel a little queasy is evidence that it is hitting home in some way - I realize that this is not someone elses problem - it is me and all of us who try so hard to do the right thing and still end up with an early morning wake up call of conscience when we discover our efforts did not overcome our weakness.

Dealing with our consciences can be a difficult road - especially those of us who are of, to steal a phrase, "tender heart". But wrestling a little is no bad thing - the important part is not to wrestle ourselves into the ground - Peter mourned but found resolution,/ Often dealing with the worst side of ourselves is a process much like mourning. When things cannot be stuffed back into the box which we wish we had never opened, we have to learn to move on from them.

Peter certainly did this. A wise friend of mine once said - if my dog bites me the wound will heal but there will still be a scar - at first, he said, I will be angry at the dog but as time passes I will learn to love the dog again and kindness will return. But the scar will still be there, and when I notice it, I will remember.

Peter must have had a scar. I wonder how he viewed it - as a warning sign, as a moment of regret, with anger at himself for being so easily led or, even, with gratitude. The key is, however he viewed himself, and it was probably a mixture of all of these, he did not remain in the emotional maelstrom which that early morning rooster precipitated. He allowed Jesus to transform that weakness in resurrection glory. That is our call too, to view our scars as part of who we are but not our definition - God is so much bigger than that!