reconciliation

Tomorrow's Gospel at the Eucharist is a tough one - Matt 18:15-20 deals with what we do when we have a grievance against a fellow believer. The process suggested, one of face to face dealings , is quite hard to actually do. I know that often my own temptation when dealing with conflict is to wait for things to die down or worse, talk to a third party instead of the person I am actually angry with.

There seem to be two sorts of conflict and the passage speaks more clearly to a situation where one person has definitely wronged another and the person wronged is seeking some sort of redress. In the best sort of outcome we would go to someone and explain why we were upset, they would acknowledge their action and set things to right. Of course, in acknowledging their action it might be that they point out something which we have done and we have to be ready to hear that on a level which makes moving forward possible.

But what if someone won't listen? At this point we are assuming that most people will deal with things in a sensible and adult sort of way and if they won't listen to one person then perhaps they will listen to two or three. This is also a point of checking our our own feelings and perception of the situation - we have to be prepared for a third party to see things in a light which gives us some work to do as well.

At this point we assume that most arguments will have been settled. For instances of grievous wrong and even evil the Gospel tells us we might need to involve the wider Body and in extreme cases consider asking someone to leave. This seems heartless but every so often there are folks whose sole aim seems to hurt or cause chaos - after all careful listening and encouragement have been exhausted removal is the final and heartbreaking option.

The other sort of argument is one where both parties have a point but neither is wrong - these sorts of arguments are often the most painful, especially in Christian communities. When we face these situations being face to face with people is vital - the wars of words which diminish people on email and blogs are terrible - face to face we will usually speak more gently and, certainly, we are forced to deal with the effects of angry or ugly words.

The process which the Gospel outlines is one of careful thought and consideration. It is going to involve being honest with ourselves as we seek other people. It is not easy and I would not claim to always get this right - but when you can clear the air, when you can accept apologies and give them, when you can see yourself, if only for a moment, through someone else's eyes life can only get better. This process of true reconciliation is a step on the path of holiness - it is not always easy and definitely not quick - it does not rely on anger and clever words but rather a sense of being held in relationship.

There will always be times when we cannot heal our rifts - but perhaps in those times acknowledging the other as both valuable and refusing to write them off as less than ourselves will bring us closer to the heart of God