Dealing with doubt

No matter what else Thomas may have achieved, the one thing he is remembered for is doubting. Although this may at first seem a little negative imagine how sugar coated and sickly the Gospels would look if the disciples had been perfect all the time. That fairy-tale presentation of people would not have fooled any of us into thinking that might be reality and would, in fact, have made us question the validity of the message. After all it is hard to see that something might be true for us ordinary folk unless we see it engaging with ordinary folk and that is who the Disciples were, people who squabbled and got it wrong, people who did not understand and got scared and, yes, people who doubted.

Doubt is a part of life - if we never doubted anything we would find ourselves in all sorts of scrapes. Doubt and fear often protect us from doing lavish and foolish things, they keep us wary of people and situations which would harm us - but then, sometimes, they grumble away at us and stop us doing things of which we are perfectly capable.

The way Thomas deals with doubt is a good pattern for us to follow. First of all he expresses a doubt but he carries on with what he is doing - he does not allow his doubt to take him out of his ordinary activities of being with Jesus' disciples. Secondly he takes the doubt to Jesus - he admits that he is having trouble believing all this. And thirdly he finds his way into a new and deeper appreciation of and relationship with Jesus.

Now, we all know that doubt does not always follow so neatly and, certainly, when we find ourselves cast off into spiritual deserts it can be a long and painful process. But the first rule, for most people, is to keep going. If you always go to church, go to church - say the prayers, let God hold your unbelief. The first time a new Christian hits a period of doubt can be an enormous shock, what has been easy and wonderful suddenly feels like running up the down escalator, or worse, like sitting slumped on the floor at the bottom of the thing with the world rushing by and completely ignoring you.

So be prepared, know that doubt is normal and tell yourself that when you doubt the first place you will lay those doubts is at the feet of Jesus. Even if the words you say at those dark moments sound hollow, even if it does not register or make sense, offer yourself and everything that makes no sense. Feelings are notoriously unreliable sources of information on the workings of the Spirit - just because you do not "feel good" after church or praying does not mean that the grain of God's Spirit is not working away making pearls of great price.

And then be prepared for change. Homecoming after a period of doubt is always wonderful - but you might find that you are in a different place, that the world seems to have shifted around you a little (or a lot). This, too, is the way God often seems to work.

Christian mystics have spoken for centuries about God hiding God's face from them for a while - they are anguished at the sense of abandonment and ecstatic when they are recovered. I am not sure how happy I am about saying God deliberately inflicts this experience on us - perhaps sometimes that makes sense, when we are refusing to listen or relying too much on ourselves - but even then the idea of a punitive God does not appeal. for me, not understanding why I fall into periods of doubt but knowing I will is good enough - the whys and wherefores seem a bit too complicated to ponder - perhaps one day I will understand that better.

But I know that Thomas came home to Jesus in that moment where Jesus met him in his doubt, and I know that we will too, if we are courageous enough to allow the darkness without running to another place.