When I read this passage from the Gospel of Matthew I tend to end up thinking – if only. Reconciliation is tough and it is something which we are not very good at. This Biblical principle of going and talking to the person with whom we disagree is really hard to do and so we tend to make other tactics work for us.
Sometimes, when we have fallen out with a person who we want or need to be on good terms with, especially when we are hurt by them we tend to shy away from dealing with the real problem
“It's OK, we day, no problem.” Sometimes it is OK, whatever has happened does not matter but when it does matter and our words are out of social nicety we are preventing and real reconciliation taking place. Real reconciliation is about full humanity, about seeing the image of God in the other, and that can take a lot of prayer and patience.
The other thing we tend to do is to express our anger and frustration behind another's back. This can be explicit or more often, especially when things are bad, a sort of gentle erosion of another in our words and actions towards them. Again, this is not going to lead to reconciliation – people know when they are not really getting on with each other and relationships are strained and damaged by this sort of backdoor behaviour – even if the participants never actually hear each others words.
So the Gospel gives us instructions. Go and talk to the person who you wish to be reconciled with honestly and openly. This, in itself is hard. Conversation is two way, we might find ourselves and our perceptions challenged by the other person.
This is never more true that when we are calling for punishment for others. Yes, in this country, there are laws and regulations and when we break them there are penalties – but punishment is not the same as reconciliation. Paying what we call a debt to society is not the same as actually being reconciled to that society. Real reconciliation is about being face to face, allowing the other to speak and making space to ammend our own lives and society, to dealing with the inderlying causes of anger and resentment that so often beset our daily lives.
And that is why I think, if only. I try to have a rule in my own life where I do not talk about people behind their backs – but it can be hard not to when someone has upset you. Talk to me, not about me, is the Biblica maxim but it is not our society's maxim and it is a hard challenge to live up to.
What we are aiming for, then, is a model for reconciliation which has as its heart, conversation. Firstly, conversation between two people and then, if that does not work, some arbitrators and remember arbitrators should be the sort of people who may not take you side, who will speak up for the truth as they see it.
With the amount of pain that exists in our nation today we have to hear a call to rconciliation. Whilst that is not an easy path, it is a conversation which we are all called to engage in.
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