In our bones

^{Jer 20:9} If I say, ‘I will not mention him,
   or speak any more in his name’,
then within me there is something like a burning fire
   shut up in my bones;
I am weary with holding it in,
   and I cannot.
I caught a few minutes of that old television series "the Walton's" the other day. Those of you who remember that show about a family who live in the mountains near Charlottesville, Virginia will also remember that, away from the cliched goodnights which they gave to every member of their large and extended household, the Walton family were portrayed as dealing with some weighty and very real issues which surrounded their lives. The little snippet I caught was in the middle of an episode with lots of themes but it was a scene of the oldest son, John-Boy, writing. His father John comes to his bedroom door and asks what he is doing - just writing and John-Boy reads a vignette of their family life to him.
"Why do you write that stuff down, son?" asks the father
"Because I have to," replies John-Boy. And then there is an almost imperceptible tension as this hard working mountain man processes that response. Is he going to say what a waste of time do some real work? No what he says is
"Better keep at it then," he says.
Of course, we all know what people, and perhaps know for ourselves, who have expressed such love for a thing which "they just have to do" and have met rebuttal and ridicule or worse. It is always fascinating to me how many clergy who are ordained later in life state that they have been "avoiding it for years" and God has finally "got them". There is a feeling in this that no matter what they do or say, or where they go this aching inside, this knowledge of calling will not go away - no matter how unlikely or inconvenient it seems.
Jeremiah has a reputation for moaning and being generally miserable but in this passage we see a man who is understandably depressed at being persecuted but is also coming to terms with his vocation. He knows he is called to speak God's words and he knows that because of what God wants him to say - words of judgement - it will not be well received. And yet he cannot stay silent - this calling is from deep within him and burns like fire from within him if he does not speak.
Jeremiah has an extreme calling in an extreme situation but the experience of trying to shut God up inside ourselves, fearful of what god's ways and life might bring is not uncommon among both those inside and outside the Church. Some describe it as a hunger, a space, a lack, something they know is there but cannot find words for, something which seems detached from traditional church and traditional expression of language.
It is no wonder then, that there is such an interest in new age therapies and spiritualism. No wonder that people try to satisfy this deep need with all sorts of tricks and, sometimes dangerous, practices. but still there is a yearning - what is often called a God shaped hole. Thinking about it thought I am not sure whether it is a hole at all - that would imply that God is not already with people - rather I think it is a denial of the presence of God which they experience but to which they do not feel able, or are to afraid, give voice.
It can seem quite intimidating, as Christians, to have to start from scratch when we are preaching the Gospel. But actually the Biblical record does not do that - in Athens Paul uses the mystery of the standing religion and the religiosity of the people. You know, he says, that you have an altar to an unknown God, well let me tell you who that is. You know you are so religious, well let me tell you who to direct that love and devotion to. In other words he goes from what the people know and love and opens doors in the rooms which they already inhabit.
Too often the Church feels it is called to be Jeremiah - standing on the street corner and proclaiming doom. That is not to say that Jeremiah was not called to that - he certainly was a prophet of God's judgement on people who had wandered very far from the tenets of their faith and convenant - but that we are not called, at least not very often, to that sort of preaching.Rarely are we called to denounce but rather to enter in - to look for signs of the kingdom, to see cracks of light in people around us.
Perhaps some of us have experienced those moments of yearning, of God's love burning like a fire - perhaps others have a different experience or even do not like to think that the Holy Spirit might use us in some amazing and revolutionary way and so ourselves feel the ache of separation which exile from our true selves in Christ brings.
Both in our own spiritual growth and in our outreach to others we have to remember that we are designed as those for whom God is a real and vital part of life. As those who both breathe in and speak out in the Holy Spirit. The more we allow ourselves to acknowledge this and kindle the fire of the Spirit within us, the more we will notice that same longing in people around us.
Almost certainly, none of us will find ourselves on street corners uttering doom - but we will find that same discomfort and sense of alienation from self and from who we are meant to be if we, like Jeremiah, try not to speak God's name, or utter his voice.