Testify

Jesus is definitely talking about evidence If, he says, he tells them all about himself, why should they believe him. After all people who talked themselves up were no less suspect then than they are now - not to mention the fact that under Jewish Law he needed two witnesses to make his case for being who he was (Trinity comes in handy eh?).

What this reminded me of was those times when we all get a little bit to pleased with ourselves - especially in church and paint the rosy picture. Have you ever sat in the pew in one of those services where everyone processes in wearing a vaguely serene and definitely self-satisfied smile - after all they are processing - you are sitting - and the air is as thick with condescension as it was with brass polish the day before.

Clergy can get in this rut too. After all you have to perform - you have to convince people that you are convinced - even when you are not. I rather arrogantly thought once that I would never say anything I could not absolutely hold on to in that moment - and then I hit one of those dark walls spiritually - the parish was grinding and it was all hard and I wasn't sure - but I had to preach on Sunday and so for a few weeks I stepped on the cracks.

The other priests I spoke to said - set a time limit - it was a long one - but if the spark didn't return then I would be doing more harm than good by staying - they had all been through this. Perhaps for those days I had a lacquer of holiness which I sprayed on on Sunday morning, over my tiredness and cynicism, perhaps I came across as aloof and uncaring - I am not sure.

The point is we are not called to be perfect and we will fall down the cracks - but we are not called to portray a false perfection either. Clergy are in an odd position because we have to preach - like it or not - but we do not have to be six feet above contradiction. We are all human.

Who are we offering to other people - are we trying to be a superperson who is beyond reproach - or are we being who we are. Are we ready to be who we are and accept each other for who we are? Do we welcome the stranger by being open to ourselves?

I don't want to go to Church in a Barbie place full of poster perfect people - and I know from real life that places that look like that often seethe with anger under the surface. I want to be in a community where when someone smiles I get that they are pleased or happy, and when they are angry, they actually say so - to my face.